Change

Yeah when I started writing this it did not have a title. Lately things have been a bit crazy. My sleep pattern has sucked, my attention abilities have diminished and the lack of caffeine is starting to drive me nuts. But today today was an interesting day I have to admit. I passed by some of the billboards in the performing arts building and one of them simply said "take what you need" It had elements upon them such as understanding, beauty, freedom, peace etc. A lot of things have been ripped off but I was lucky enough to find a tab that said freedom. It really spoke to me more than anything else. Now if you talk to me and get to know me you know that I am an outgoing person and I can be very silly and extremely open. when you talk to me online over Facebook or whatever I am extremely open and you will know more about me than you want to know. Thats because there is a physical barrier between you and the person you are speaking to. You can't see them get angry or the emotions on their face or their body language. Its a little plastic bubble that protects you from hearing the inflection in their voice. Where as in person you are vulnerable and so are they. However in person there is a more intimate connection between you and who you are talking to. You can get a stronger connection or put up a wall. How does this relate tot eh word freedom? Sometimes I don't feel like I have the freedom to do so sometimes. I feel like if I say something I'll be given a weird look or people will be like what the fuck are you doing here. I really shouldn't because I rarely ever get that effect form people...unless they are a plastic little whore. You know what they look like. Fake tans, caked on makeup, straight ridiculous hairstyles and they talk in a nasal tone with upper inflection at the end of every sentence. The typical valley girl. Its those types of people that I know will not like me. Its artists I feel more open around. The artists the hippies, the gays, the lesbians, the outcasts, the nerds, you get the idea. I can relate to them more but sometimes even around them I am terribly shy at first. I feel like I'll get hit for doing or saying something wrong. I want to not be afraid of that. I want freedom from this shyness!

Why do I have to be so self conscious...I need to get over my insecurities and just dive in. No more second guessing! 

It is time for a change.